Mindful Through the Chaos

I forced myself to "pause-4-blog", tell me your thoughts...


Until last evening (3/27- 9:27 pm), I had a planned Small Consulting Business launch at the end of May (2024). My Department of Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor (DVR) counselor and team of coaches opened the email I sent requesting modification to my Individual Plan for Employment (IPE), from self-employment to full-time benefitted work. Cold-feet?

"Taking one day at a time" is impossible for a person living experiences similar in nature, without a support system. The difference from past to present is seeing, listening, and feeling real-time support. Overwhelmed, to say the least!

The decision was actually far from "over-night", fear of a successful business launch or my capability. Yet a "real-time fear" of going through the last few months of headaches resulting in No Insurance and $220 medication I could not afford to pay to be the powerhouse at what I do. The cause for going from full-time employment with benefits to not being able to maintain work daily is a story that break-downs my fall from grace, according to me. You (the reader) must ask me to share more and I will.

Fear of a repeat of the string of events that turned my life upside down due to a medication I used being taken off the market without warning is the point. Without it, I could not maintain full-employment, clearly highlighting the possibility of my impact on the audience I planned to serve, and peers no less (start-ups/small business/nonprofits).

I am a person with physical, mental health, and multiple-brain injuries wreaking havoc on alone and worsening when another is involved. Withdrawals and the residual effects, despite different substitutes and milligrams levels still elude me. February 29, 2024, I uploaded required paperwork to continue health coverage and reported I was unemployed. March 22 I was denied Medicare (make too much), and also denied tax assistance by Healthcare.gov Marketplace on 3/25 (don't make enough).

This morning, I was told there was no way I was going to be allowed to change my progress towards self-employment. My case manager had a conversation with my coaches, who recognized all of the work I put into my program and I am so close. She has added a part-time job to my IPE and I shared all the research I did to find coupons and bring down the cost of the most critical medication to $25. Still overwhelmed, I must go pick the medication up. I pray the coupons work and I actually get to buy my medicine. As for healthcare, I will use a federally qualified health center near by until I am able to obtain health insurance.

In a fifty-four year journey I have work in an entry-level state job with benefits, and still had to portioning off jumbo sweet potatoes to have something to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner or go days without food. I pause to note the difference between an entry-level job and having no job. As a person challenged by disabilities I made it this far but chaos is in the crazy similarities that trigger me to make conscientious decisions to prevent my own impact. My support system knows I am able and I feel their belief in me. I don't have cold feet, but am always concerned I will not be at my best if I have another set back. Paying attention is the truth 'en vivo'!

Thanks for reading this "pause-4-blog" and enjoy a work of art I created during roller coaster of emotions. Art heals and so does writing about it! ~blessings